Divrei Rav Josh- Parshat Vayishlakh: Humanizing Conflict

I’ve come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It’s my personal approach that creates the climate. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de–escalated and a child humanized or de–humanized.
       —Haim Ginott, 1976

While the above quote from Haim Ginott is limited to conflict inside of a classroom, we can easily read this quote and see how it might apply to any example of conflict in our lives.   When we disagree with someone, we are in a position to determine whether or not a conflict with escalate into something far more damaging, and the challenge is to teach ourselves and our students how to see the humanity of the other side of their conflict, a lesson we learn from Jacob and Esau in Parshat Vayishlakh.   

Parshat Vayishlakh begins with Jacob making preparations for a reunion with his estranged brother.  After a dramatic crescendo, where we see Jacob prepare for the meeting with painstaking detail and care, the Torah records the following when Jacob and Esau see each other for the first time:

“Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants. He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear.  Jacob went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.  Esau ran to greet him. Esau embraced him and, falling on his neck, he kissed him; and they wept” (Genesis 33:1-4).

In the above verses, one is led to believe that the tension and drama preceding the meeting between and Esau and Jacob is misplaced, for as soon as they see one another, the reunion appears heartfelt and emotional.   However, when our commentators examine this episode, each of them notes that while the emotions between Esau and Jacob are genuine in that moment, this reunion does not eliminate the pre-existing feelings of anger, and understanding the distinction between the two can teach us something essential about what it means to engage with with whom we experience tension.   

Our rabbinic commentators, who never shied from ascribing sinister motives to Esau, have a disagreement over how we ought to understand Jacob and Esau’s encounter.   The midrash states the following:

"Esau kissed him (vayiShaKehu)" – these words are marked by a series of points to indicate that he did not kiss him with all of his heart.  Rabbi Shimon ben Yochai said: 'it is a well-known and accepted principle that Esav detests Ya'acov.  However, at that moment his mercies were aroused and he kissed him with all of his heart”” (Sifre Beha'alotekha, Paragraph 69)

According to the midrash, the Hebrew word for kiss, vayishakehu, contains a series of dots in the physical Torah-text that indicate some kind of unique distinction for this action, with certain rabbis arguing that the dots indicate a sinister intent amidst Esau’s kissing of Jacob.  However, Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai argues that while one should not conclude that Esau’s feelings towards Jacob changed, seeing his estranged brother ultimately aroused Esau to embrace Jacob, in a moment of pure love.  

Similarly, Ha’Emek Davar,  the commentary of Rabbi Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin, otherwise known as the Netziv, argues that the encounter between Esau and Jacob offers a paradigm for any moment when two estranged individuals or nations see through their conflict and join together in a moment of companionship.   The Netziv states:

“Both wept, implying that Jacob's love too was aroused towards Esau. And so it is in all ages. Whenever the seed of Esau is prompted by sincere motives to acknowledge and respect the seed of Israel, then we too are moved to acknowledge Esau: for he is our brother” (Ha’Emek Davar on Genesis 33:4).

According to the Netziv, inspite of the outward moments of tension between Jacob and Esau, this reunion between the brothers reveals that each them recognizes the inward truth that, in spite of their previous tension, an essential love remains between Jacob and Esau.   Perhaps Jacob and Esau will never be fully be at peace, as the Torah records nearly nothing about their relationship after this point, yet their encounter provides a moment where they can return to the love that must exist between them as a family.

When we read the reunion of Jacob and Esau in Parshat Vayishlakh, we are not led to believe that the brothers mend all wounds, but that the two of them, in this moment of contact, saw through their conflict and simply chose to see one another as brothers.   When we teach our students about the conflicts they will inevitably experience in this world, whether their friends or co-workers, or even people halfway around the world, we can learn a great deal from Jacob and Esau about how disagreement does not require dehumanization, and that seeing the human on the other side of a conflict is the first step towards ending the need for conflict in the first place.   All the rest is commentary...

Shabbat Shalom!