Divrei Rav Josh: Parshat Toledot- Managing Our Emotions

For as long as I can remember, I always felt sympathetic for Esau when I read Parshat Toledot.  While our Jewish tradition goes out of the way to make Esau the archetypal rabbinic villian, accused of everything including murder, rape, and idolatry, a close reading of Esau’s childhood will reveal that he is a fairly typical teenager, one who enjoys spending time outside, eager to please his father, and more than a little bit impulsive.   The nineteenth century American preacher Henry Ward Beecher wrote the following about Esau’s character:

“I cannot help, and you cannot help feeling a great deal more sympathy with Esau than with Jacob…[but] Esau was a man not of forethought, adapting means to end, holding to them, and overruling his feelings by his judgment: he was a man of impulse; and his primary impulses were generally strong. When he was mad; he was very mad; when he was gay, he was very gay. He was subject to circumstances, and according to his impulses he was blown hither and  thither….Yet, for dramatic effect, Esau was the finer fellow. He was bold, dashing, and in some respects admirable” (Henry Ward Beecher, Bible Studies: Readings in the Early Books of the Old Testament, With Familiar Comment, Given 1878-1879, 127).

Beecher’s interpretation of Esau’s life reminds us that we can attribute Esau’s struggles with her family and his birthright less to any religious deficiency, and more to Esau’s inability to control his emotions.   

When we read the famous incident in Parshat Toledot of Esau selling Jacob the birthright for a bowl of soup, we see the truth behind the above interpretation.   The parasha states the following:

“Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished.  He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom).  Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.”  “Look, I am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me?”  But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob.  Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left.  So Esau despised his birthright” (Bereishit 25:29-34).

One cannot read this story and not be amused at the sheer absurdity of Esau selling his birthright, a lifelong possession that a guarantees a more favorable inheritance, for a single bowl of soup, a momentary satiation of his hunger that will not help Esau at all down the road.   As such, a first reading of this passage views Esau as someone less concerned with defying God’s wishes and someone who simply does not think before making a decision of great consequence.

However, our rabbinic commentators expand upon the original account of this story, and see Esau’s impulsiveness as indicative of something deeper, of a tendency within Esau to jump to harsh conclusions and rash decisions.  A famous midrash records that the day that Jacob made this offer was the same day in which Abraham passed away, and the exchange between Jacob and Esau revealed Esau’s initial reaction to the death.   The midrash states the following:

“Esau asked Jacob, “What is the stew for?” Jacob answered, “That old man [Abraham] has died.” Esau said: “That old man has been struck down by fate!?” He answered: “Yes.” Esau then said, “If so, there is no reward, and no resurrection for the dead.”  The Holy Spirit cried out, “’Do not cry for the dead and do not lament for them’—this refers to Abraham; ‘Weep rather than for him who is going down’ (Jeremiah 22:10)—this refers to Esau” (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 63:16).

The midrash teaches us that hearing the news of Abraham’s death leads to Esau’s impulsive spiritual and practical reaction, leading Esau to both renounce his birthright and his belief in God’s mission for the world.   Thus, one wonders how this incident might have played out differently had Esau chosen to think before he acted.
In commenting upon the above midrash, and offering a psychological approach to what ails Esau as a boy, Aviva Zornberg writes that, according to the midrash,

“Abraham, who has died, is not pitiable...Esau, who is “going” toward death, whose mortality obsesses him, is the true object of compassion….In the narrative of the midrash, Esau seems to fall instant prey to existential ennui… (Aviva Zornberg, Genesis: The Beginning of Desire, Page 160)

According to Zornberg, upon hearing the news of Abraham’s death, Esau cannot control his emotions, and immediately concludes that life is meaningless.  In contrast, Jacob, who at this point in the narrative is not in possession of the birthright or the blessing, is not drawn into the same despair as Esau.   One can only imagine how Esau’s life would be different if he better managed his emotions, and chose to think about what it he did before he made a decision that would essentially haunt him for the rest of his life.

Similarly, when we Parshat Toledot to our students, we are responsible for teaching about the emotional and social skills we ought not learn from our ancestors just as much as the skills we should learn from them.   Daniel Goleman writes in Emotional Intelligence that,

“Handling feelings so they are appropriate is an ability that builds on self-awareness...People who are poor in this ability are constantly battling feelings of distress, while those who excel in it can bounce back far more quickly from life’s setbacks and upsets” (Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, 43).   

When read Goleman’s outline of the basic value and necessity of managing emotions, we see the key to unlocking Esau’s downfall, for Esau’s life, at any almost point, would be different, if he learned to take a pause, and think before he acted.   

At Schechter, beginning with our Open Circle Curriculum in the Lower School, and extending to our Peer Educators and Peer Connectors in our Upper School, one of our essential goals is to help our students learn how managing emotions is as much the key to academic and professional success as reading, writing, and arithmetic, a lesson that we also learn from this week’s parasha.  May we have the merit of recognizing how self-management skills can be learned in our most essential Jewish texts, and must form the backbone of our Jewish education at Schechter creates thoughtful, kind, and careful children.

Shabbat Shalom!